I'm back

It's the earliest days of 2013, and I haven't written in this blog since 2011. My cousin asked me this Christmas break, "hey do you still write in that blog you used to keep? I really enjoyed those posts." Lately, I've needed to throw some opinions in writing for good keeping and for reference. So, here I am, KKelly checking back in.

Let's back track, shall we, to June 15, 2009. A slightly less mature me, writing a blog titled, "relationship status ______." I must say, I haven't read this blog in over a year, and for some reason, I was fixated on it tonight. The slightly less mature me had a pretty solid take on relationships back then. It's funny looking back on a blog written as a single woman, as a now taken woman. I can't reiterate my thoughts, as it was one of my longer masterpieces, but I was pleasantly surprised by something. I still feel exactly the same way. Here, I have decided to live my busy life parallel to someone else's busy life, and it's an amazing thing. But I know I don't need him. I wouldn't date him if he thought he needed me. We can both manage fine without each other. Before you think I'm a cold-hearted, impotent to love, consider the definition of the word "need." Need: require something because it is essential. I want him, yes, but need is a strong, naive word. Here is a link to my 2009 relationship blog. I also read a twitter post of a single friend that resonated with me: "We/us/our couples are the worst. "What are you doing tonight?" "Umm, we're not sure.." Umm, be your own person." I never want to be that person who has lost themselves without their extension of self--significant other. 

 http://kathrynjk.blogspot.com/2009/06/marital-status.html

Friend Character

I've always found it interesting how people choose their friends--whether it be based on common interest, personality, social convenience, or even looks. Everyone has the friends they have for a certain reason and sometimes we even have friends that we haven't gotten to know that well.

How do we pick our friends? Psychology would suggest that we pick friends based off of common interests and people who resemble ourselves in looks and personality. Things get boring with people quickly without a common interest thread. Sports, movies, comedy, major, politics, social life, etc. are all things that make people connect or lack a connection. When you look at your friendships and boil them down to what matters, it is those moments when you show yourself to one another in the most honest light that matter. One psychologist studying human behavior concluded that no one can truly be themselves around another person. To a point, I believe this, because no matter how much a person tells you, you never truly know what's going on inside their head. However, I think it is safe to say your best friends in the world are the ones who you can look back and say to yourself, "they've seen parts of me that no one else has." All the way down to your weird "special talents and impersonations." It also speaks volumes when you can tell a person absolutely anything and not run the risk of them repeating it, judging you, or looking down on you. It's these people who know you enough to know that even if you mess up or do something uncharacteristic of yourself, you will redeem yourself.

A few of my friends and I have a thing called "accountability." I have high standards for my closest friends and vice versa. We all have stress and pressure in life, but with that we have high ideals, and centered objectives to work toward. With "accountability" I am basically confessing to my friends if I fall short of something or if I do something I am not proud of. Accountability is an amazing thing, because it motivates us to be our better selves and to think through things before we act; it also puts a voice in your head of knowing you can't just be ashamed of yourself, you will have to also tell your friend and risk their disappointment.

On a spin-off note, I believe with friends and even members of the opposite sex that may pose an interest as more, the most important thing is to be a good judge of character. I'd call it intuition. if you have a really good feeling about someone and they make you happy by their personality and how they treat you, they are probably a genuine character. I feel lucky to have had such amazing friends and family--people who in general know what is important out of life and who care about the well-being and happiness of those around them. It is easy to meet someone and think they are the best thing in the world, but imagine if things went south. How would they handle a fight? I always tell my friends if they like someone, to not idealize them. There are plenty of great people out there that you will meet. Imagine a fight: could you see this person turning on you quickly? Do they have a mean streak in them? If so, don't stick with it. It's not worth dealing with someone who can't effectively conflict resolute without an exhausting dispute.

Notwithstanding, never put someone to the test. Putting someone on the spot usually puts unnecessary and awkward pressure on them. The beautiful thing is being with them when a situation asks something more of them and seeing how they react. It is friends who go above and beyond to make your day better or friends who remember that it was an important interview for you that day. These people, people who care for others in general, are the unsung, everyday heroes that are overlooked. My best advice is to be a grateful friend for your friendships, show your friends you appreciate what they give, and more importantly give more than you get always.

Dissonance

Being honest with other people about what is going on in your life is unvarnished honesty with your self. Tuning in to various seasons of "Real" Housewives on Bravo, I have learned a lot about how to not live my life. Seeing examples of dramatic situations prompts the question, "how would I have handled that situation?" Mostly, I find that the housewives pull the blissful ignorance card by not acknowledging their wrong-doings and shortcomings, taking no cognitive responsibility for their actions.

It takes a strong person to admit when they are wrong. It is difficult to reveal personal parts of yourself to others, for example, admitting to a friend/family member that their marriage is suffering, that they have money trouble, that they are gay, have an eating disorder, or a drinking problem. It takes courage, but the honesty ante can only be upped by being honest about your personal situation with others. Putting a sugar coat over the negatives puts your problems out of personal perspective.

The kicker to all of this comes in defining and recognizing the role of psychological cognitive dissonance. Everyone does it: you are in a predicament and tell yourself to change your attitude: "it's not so bad anyway." Eventually, when someone asks you about something you hate but are forced to do (ie. work), you tell them something positive about a negative. You "look on the bright side." To an extent, it is beneficial to look on the bright side of a negative phenomenon in your life. But more importantly, make sure you aren't exercising dissonance in an area of your life where you are failing to acknowledge your unhappiness. I was at a job for a long time and I hated it, but made good money. When people would ask, I would say, "I like the people and I make good money," when in reality I made good money, but I hated it, got bad hours, and didn't like the management very much. Finally, upon consciously realizing I was lying to myself, I was so much happier--I wasn't exercising cognitive dissonance and pretending to myself or anyone else anymore and I moved on. This conscious recognition goes for so many minor, daily situations. Cognitive dissonance can be functional--it does help get through certain things where ignorance is practical for peace-of-mind. Otherwise, I believe it can be destructive to your psyche if introspection is not exercised. I think it is important to self-introspect and find where dissonance is present in your life and that, if you are exercising cognitive dissonance, ask yourself why you don't change the situation and consciously accept how you feel about something. Resonate that honest realization with yourself, others, and become a happier more positively functioning individual.

"Dissonance is as fatal in ailments of the mind as it is in those of the body."
— Georges Rodenbach (Bruges-La-Morte)

Superiority Complex

Asserting superiority is something we all do whether we are conscious of it or not. In situations where people feel threatened or like they have to prove themselves to someone, they act in a certain manner that strives to show them in a positive light. Asserting power can become manipulative when we realize we purposely act a certain way to get a certain response. If you purposely do something to emit a specific reaction, you are 'seeking the power.'

"Wearing the pants," "whipped" etc. are great phrases and we can all think of people to fill in the blanks. Self-introspection is important, because in doing this, you can determine whether you are unconsciously treating people in a detrimental fashion. People who have the 'upper-hand' in a relationship often don't realize that they assert power over their significant other. The other person is submissive in the relationship and by being insecure and asserting power, it in turn makes them insecure, which leads to shaky ground..

Asserting superiority is in direct correlation to feeling insufficient to another. Everyone feels insecure at times and people handle it in different ways. Power contenders are always striving to gain bravado and outdo others around them.

I believe that asserting power is mostly done when one person wishes to obtain a certain response from the other, ex: guilt tripping, acting short or mad through text. When people care, they react to the manipulation put on them and as emotional beings, we know this.

From time to time, I have caught myself feeling insecure and attempting to gain superiority by asserting power in a situation. However, through trial, you find error, and you realize not only is it wrong to do, it doesn't work in the long run. Personally, I find people who hold this superiority over their heads are the people that get called stuck up or rude. Insecurity will not be minimized by feeling as though you are better than others or have power over an individual. I think by doing this, people are not only showing themselves in an undesirable light to others, but they are marginalizing themselves from people who you could have had more in common with. Being yourself and being completely okay with it is the most important, beautiful thing.

It is unnecessary to assert superiority over others. The power comes from not having to do so, or consciously realizing the insecurity and improving on it. Good things come from not manipulating others and from being yourself completely, whether people like you for it or not.

A simple rule in dealing with those who are hard to get along with is to remember that this person is striving to assert his superiority; and you must deal with him from that point of view.
Alfred Adler

Confidence and superiority: It's the usual fundamentalist stuff: I've got the truth, and you haven't.
Jeanette Winterson

Future Somethings

If you chase rainbows you will always come home empty. Fact is, there will always be eye-catchers and times when you think you've found something real or worthy. Stick around and make sure it is not something temporary and beautiful for a brief time. Someone close to me gave me great advice: She said "Never Idealize." No one is ideal, because everyone has flaws. It should always be fairly effortless in the beginning. I like what a friend said about this regarding family. He gives his friends who chase this advice: "Imagine the girl as your mom, dad, sibling etc. and think of how easy those relationships come...that is how it should be." No games, no bad vibes.

Everyone loves the chase and the not-knowing. But let's look at this pragmatically, it is not realistic. Honesty is real. You will never go wrong with being honest with someone from the get-go. It is not necessary to know everything; mystery is exciting. Sometimes you don't even know how you feel yourself, but honesty is important-withholding information from the other person is potentially hurtful. Be yourself. I had a good conversation with a friend and he said: talk to everyone, it leaves no room for judging when someone knows you. Along with that, don't be caught up in whether everyone likes you. not everyone is going to like you. For whatever reason. Some people are shallow and will find vacuous reasons to dislike you, and that is their problem, not yours. The only time you have to worry about your reputation is when you have given someone a legitimate reason not to like you, or in some way wronged them. Simply be your best self, be happy, be kind, be friendly, and don't treat other people in a way that you would not like to be treated yourself.

"Future somethings"... it is hard to look toward the future and all that it has to offer. Think back to a few years ago and how much the people, situations, and even you have changed. It is crazy to think what a couple of years will bring. It is exciting, scary and unknown. The tough part is making good decisions in the moment. The reason the crime rate is so high is because criminals are not deterred --they simply view a jail cell as something foreign until they land in one and the regret sets in. In the moment it seems normal to keep up with certain people and things and ways of life, but the future will change these perspectives. When you turn around in your current life, will you be okay with your "past somethings"? What you do and say makes you. Are you proud to be that person?

I am slightly embarassed to admit, but sometimes I think of my future life and whatever lucky guy gets stuck with me. I do not want to be filled with regret over "current nothings" from my past. If I am going to experience life and its lessons, I will ensure to myself that it is a worthwhile experience with a worthy enough person...not perfect, because as I stressed before, no one is. You should look at yourself and your situation and make sure that you are stepping up the ladder [rather than going below your standards], learning along the way, and growing as a person all the time.

Imagine what people would say at your funeral. What defined you?? What were your best attributes that you offered your family, friends, and the world? Because, just as you should know your weaknesses, you should also be aware of your personal strengths. Be aware of what makes you-you. What makes you come alive and tick? What inspires you? Go and do that. Be more of that person that people would describe if you were being remembered for your entire life. One day we will all be remembered. Make it worthwhile in your present life. Forget about your "past nothings" and focus on your "present somethings," all the while looking forward to those ''future somethings." Most importantly, remember that life isn't a guarantee, so the time to start is now. Every second is a new moment.

"Don’t ask yourself what the world needs,

ask yourself what makes you come alive.

And then go and do that.

Because what the world needs is people who are alive."

"There's more to living than being alive" -Anberlin

"Everyday I fight for all my future somethings.

A thousand little wars, I have to choose between." -Natasha Bedingfield

When it all boils down, at the end of the day ... it's what you do and say that makes you who you are. Makes you think about it, doesn't it. Sometimes all it takes is one voice.

Fear

How do you know whether someone you initially meet, is someone you can trust. Obviously, you get to know individuals better, and place different degrees of trust in them and judge whether they are worthy of your trust as relationship grows.

But say, perhaps, you've been through trust issues, and putting yourself out there to new people is difficult and cause for anxiety. It's a good question how to get past that hurdle and keep moving forward with each hurdle increasing the chance that you could fall and be out of the race.

I know the worst thing you can do going in to a race is harbor fear. Anytime I let fear get the best of me, it inhibits my performance. This is comparable to fear of trusting...If you do not let people in, you will eventually end up pushing them away. Fear of failure will ultimately lead straight to it.

There is no clarity in this; no real answer. I suppose that most people struggle with letting outsiders in to who they are; it takes a lot to trust someone to love who you are without judging your character.

Easily said, not so easily done: Overcome your fears. Sitting back and worrying and holding on to fear gets you nowhere. The only way to let go of it, is to overcome it.

How? Be self aware. Know yourself and where the fear comes from--how it is affecting your situation. Ask how easy it would be to continue hiding from this issue, and then ask yourself how much harder would it be to conquer the fear by taking a temporary hard route to eventually gain peace of mind & clarity.

Sometimes you need to take a fear or a hard situation and look at it in a new way. I had a friend once tell me, look at a situation until it becomes a positive--until it becomes what you want it to be. I loved that, and I'll never forget it for the truth that's in it.

Something to remember about fear and your own thoughts is that you control what you fear. The situation mixes together with your personality and genetics and decides what you stress over, and how you handle situations and people. I've always been a worrier. On a scale from 1-10 maybe a 9.5. Miniscule things can keep me awake at night, and no rationale seems to offer a kind enough conclusion to the stress, fear, and worry I feel over things. I attribute my late night blogs to this and in writing personally thought-provoking solutions to issues I see around me or experience myself.

Even as a kid, my mom would come in to my room when I was up late worrying over something and ask me if I had control over the situation. When I would answer no, she would say, "there's no use worrying about something that is beyond your control." If you are my friend, there is no doubt that you've heard those words come out of my mouth, but its so much easier to say than to heed. Sometimes we don't have control and it causes fear. We all want to be in control, some of us feel it more strongly than others. But fear is RELATIVE. Fear can be lessened; fear can be contained.

The end all is that fear will own you. It will get the best of you in situations. It will smother you if you allow it to. The way to end fear is through self-introspection. Facing your fears doesn't mean that the fear goes away, but I can promise you that facing it will put everything in to perspective. Clarity can only be reached through taking such risk.

I've found in my life, that fear is mainly a feeling prior to facing what you actually fear. I've been so fearful of racing in an important race, giving a speech in competition, going in to an important interview, that I've been physically ill over these things. But once the gun goes off, after you get through the introduction, start relating to your interviewers, you realize that the less you think about what you are doing, the better you perform. My high school track coach used to tell a girl I ran with to 'run dumb' during the race. She would think too much about the competition around her and her placement in the race that she would blow it. But if she shifted her focus, she was able to do well. re-focusing fear in to something more utilizable to the situation can help cure fear.

"Fear is only as deep as the mind allows." -Japanese Proverb

"All I want is the wind in my hair, to face the fear but not feel scared"

"Wild horses, I want to be like you, throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too."

-Natasha Beddingfield

Pride_Dignity

Pride is a tricky player. When do you swallow your pride? When do you take your pride and run with it? In my mind, the most ethical code goes a little something like this: "As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all people." The gray areas are where it is difficult to distinguish how to deal in a situation. My supreme advice to anyone willing to listen will always prevail: Take your pride and run with it. This stands firm, unless of course you know you have wronged someone, then it is necessary to make amends and swallow your pride. 

So many people feel the need to validate a situation through confrontation. Confrontation shows emotion; it shows that you are upset--that you care. Some may argue and say, "well I do care!" In order to keep your pride intact, the best thing to do when you have been wronged, is not to give that person any part of you. In other words, don't waste your time on them. The trick is to stay cordial. If you see them around a lot, mutual friends etc. be fine around them. Lose the contempt, and treat them like any other acquaintance in the room. The downgrading of their status with you will be enough for them to realize and feel the regret if it exists. And If not it is still easier for you.. you are in a positive mindset that says that you are above the situation. You are not messing with it, nor are you wasting any more time with someone who has once taken your pride.

It is important to realize that you cannot change people. If someone has treated you poorly, they made a conscious decision to do so. Leave them to figure out how to establish atonement. It is definitely not the 'easy way out,' but it is worth it. If that person never comes to you, you have learned a customized way of finding out whether this person is someone worth keeping around. Incontrovertibly this poses a risk factor and anxiety. But it is consequential to remember who you are, what you stand for, and what kinds of things you will and will not tolerate.

“Be yourself, don't take anyone's shit, and never let them take you alive.”