People Pleasers

I've noticed that people can't seem to be outward with how they feel/what they want to do. Kind of a broad example, but sometimes at my job I have to call people and 96% of the time I ask them whether they either have/still need our unit's number, they reply yes--like they don't have the balls to say no and 'disappoint me.' and another 67% of the time I have to give it to them as they pretend to take it down so as not to have to face me with a negative. It's like when you are walking through the mall and the vendors in the middle walk up to you  and get you to try their product and  you get all awkward because you aren't going to buy anything, but you can't seem to tell them that, so eventually you are in too deep and it only gets worse as time goes on and is mutually wasted. It's the same way in relationships too...one person decides they need out, but they can't seem to disappoint, so their happiness is put on the back-burner, and as time elapses it makes for a worse situation. People-Pleasers,Why can't you just say no? There are nice ways to turn people down. In being nice in the moment you create more problems for yourself later. It says a lot about a person who can stick up to other people and be outright with how they feel. It takes a lot of courage in a lot of cases, especially when it's with someone you care about. But realize that honesty is always the best policy.

Relationship Status: ______

It's something I haven't ever fully understood. And that is why most people feel the need to be in a relationship. It's like people live their life for that specific goal. That may seem like overkill, but think about it. It's constantly on-mind. Could it/Would it/Should it work out? Every single person you meet of your sexual orientation is automatically thrown in to a category: Friends Ladder/Possibly more than friends Ladder. Those that fall in the possibilities ladder are people you may simply be attracted to, date, or consider "Significant Other Material." And it's a constant weighing process -- The pros/cons of your wants in regards to the person's looks, personality, behavior etc. But what is it that makes you want that one person to stand out from all the rest that you can call "yours" and have them [presumably] stay true to only you? What is that inherent want, and where does it come from? Because in my mind, it consumes our culture & society.

It's fair to say that that is how we were brought up. Everyone around us makes the statement that it is only acceptable to be with one other person at a time. It's slowly becoming but still is not even fully accepted to be homosexual. It is accepted but does not have the stamp of approval from society to sleep around with multiple people without needing the label of 'relationship.' Yes, people do that, but the only thing that is accepted widely by society is [heterosexual] monogamy. I'm not saying society should change, in fact I like the way it is (minus intolerance for homosexuality).

On a happier note, I completely understand and share the want to be [happy]. To feel butterflies or physically nervous around someone, even to find yourself being uncharacteristically self-conscious about your appearance. But is happiness defined that way for the right reasons? Do you need this person to be happy? Are these feelings what make you happy? It's something I've always asked myself, and my conclusion has always been no. Why invest in an idea that is so uncertain? It has nothing to do with fear of commitment, just questioning what I am told by society. I think it's important to never accept something the way it is, but first examine it. There are plenty of rebuttals to how I look at this, I know that. But I guess I just don't buy the idea of relying on another person for what I can gain by being by myself.

 It's important to love yourself. If you were disembodied from yourself and had the chance to be friends with yourself, would you be? I like to think I would be my great friend. I've spent years single and learning about myself; learning to love me. It's a relationship I feel is on-going and important to establish and self-examine. 

There are so many pros and cons to both, being in a relationship V. being single.. and of course, the added gray areas. Whatever you think of these 'statuses,' know that there is life in each. I simply cannot understand someone being unhappy with their life because they do not have someone else to make them feel okay about it. It's important to be comfortable spending quality time by yourself and enjoying doing so. 

I think I have caused a great deal of frustration and confusion to people in the past and present, but hopefully people can understand that I am not painfully or overly- independent,  just happy to be where I am with me. I've even been told that by 'dodging' 'love' I am not going to 'find' happiness. Well, what the hell? That goes against everything I believe, actually. But to be honest, I see where people get that idea, because it is a fantastical feeling when you feel unknown things for another person. But even so, who says you should devote yourself to them? Well society has told you to. Your biological interests told you to. Your parents and other role models told you to. Your peers told you to. Other unknowns told you to. But there is nothing wrong with not labeling something. Maybe it's because I have seen so many flaws within the idea of 'relationships' or maybe because I see so many people change from the person that they truly are. It is so important to remember that first and foremost comes yourself; and to you, you must stay true. Now, that sounds selfish, but it's not. When it is time to break up (which unless you are on the verge of marriage, it'll happen) it is most important that you do what is right for you, and the other person is left to do what is right for them. What I am getting at is you can have another person and be happier than you've ever been, they lift you up, they make you want to be better, they make your day etc. but at the end of the day, you have to do it for you. You will always end up alone at times, and at those times you are stuck to rely on yourself. Are you reliable? Not on others, but on yourself? I've taken a long time to think about these things, and found out that I could rely on myself. This is the single-most reason why I am how I am. I believe that in order to be happy that it must come from within the self. If you can be truly happy by yourself, you can share that with others. And not just one other, but many others. That brings me to my next point. Friends.

Where in God's green earth would I even be without my friends? Probably in limbo, nothingness. I sure as hell wouldn't be happy. You hear it all the time, but you still see so many make the same mistake...and that is that they get involved with someone and forget about their friends. It's happened to me, it's happened to you, it's happened to almost everyone. There is always that friend who gets swept up in the present. Friendship is a powerful force. When you are alone it is there. When you meet someone special, they are there with the best input and most importantly a second-sight, that sees what you cannot. They are there throughout. And most importantly, after it is over with, and you need support, they are there. But where is the significant other? They are not there anymore. You must both move on and grow from the experience. Point to be made here: being in a relationship and maintaining the  friendships you held before=of utmost importance. It is easy to turn a blind eye, especially when you are inside looking out as opposed to outside looking in. Being on the outside looking in for the past 3 1/2 years has taught me things that I would never take back. It has allowed my personality to be the way I want it to be, and I've had the opportunity of meeting so many new people and making many close friendships. My friends have always been my saving grace and brought out in me what I consider positive traits. I havent wanted a significant other, because I never felt like I needed one. My friends have always fulfilled the wants I have. I had too much fun going out and spending time with my friends and it almost seemed like I would be compromising something, weighing myself down if you will. Also weighing myself down in the pleasure I take in meeting new people and enjoying different company in social settings. When you see a couple out together, unless they both have the same exact friends, they must compromise by hanging out with both party's friends. In those situations, you may be the person they feel most comfortable with. Given, you may enjoy that and like that feeling or of just being with them all night. But, I don't enjoy that sort of thing in social settings. In fact, that would make me more unhappy than anything else. Everyone is different.

Writing this has confused me probably even more, because in my mind both sides to the argument are very clear-cut and well-put. But it has also put in writing how I feel, and for this cluster of thoughts I am glad. I hope for people who read this you can better understand where I am coming from.  I want what every single person wants, to have fun and be happy. And I can say in all truthfulness that for now I am...just the way I am.

Listen Up

I truly believe that one of the best qualities a person can possess is being a good listener. Everybody wants someone to listen to what they have to say, and everyone wants someone to affirm that what they are saying is of value and have people relate to it...lately this has hit home. 

Everybody wants a little bit of what they don't have. Most introverts say they wish they were more outgoing or outward with their feelings & expressions. On the other hand, being an extrovert I see the value in being reserved. I am not reserved, I do not spend my time at a party in one spot talking to the same people, and in no way am I a wall flower. But people who possess this personality should see the positive in it, and why I envy them. Spending time with a choice amount of people builds relationships, being shy makes others wonder what you're all about, actions speak louder than words.

Listening and unbiased observation teaches you more about yourself than anything in the world. When you are within a situation it is hard to disembody yourself from that situation and see it effectively. Being an observer displaces you from the immediate situation and allows more direct insight. This explains why you are able to tell your friend point-blank what the problem within her relationship is when she asks what is going wrong. But, being directly involved in the relationship, she can't see it. Why is it so hard to just do what you know is right? Deep down in your conscious mind, you know what you need to do in a situation, but when you are directly involved, different factors play in to cloud the thinking process.

I suppose where I am going with this is that approaching situations unbiasedly, gathering information before making a judgment, and most of all observing & listening to the people around you are all positive attributes that I value and strive to be better in.