Food For Thought

Friend Character

2011-08-17T01:44:00.001-07:00

I've always found it interesting how people choose their friends--whether it be based on common interest, personality, social convenience, or even looks. Everyone has the friends they have for a certain reason and sometimes we even have friends that we haven't gotten to know that well.

How do we pick our friends? Psychology would suggest that we pick friends based off of common interests and people who resemble ourselves in looks and personality. Things get boring with people quickly without a common interest thread. Sports, movies, comedy, major, politics, social life, etc. are all things that make people connect or lack a connection. When you look at your friendships and boil them down to what matters, it is those moments when you show yourself to one another in the most honest light that matter. One psychologist studying human behavior concluded that no one can truly be themselves around another person. To a point, I believe this, because no matter how much a person tells you, you never truly know what's going on inside their head. However, I think it is safe to say your best friends in the world are the ones who you can look back and say to yourself, "they've seen parts of me that no one else has." All the way down to your weird "special talents and impersonations." It also speaks volumes when you can tell a person absolutely anything and not run the risk of them repeating it, judging you, or looking down on you. It's these people who know you enough to know that even if you mess up or do something uncharacteristic of yourself, you will redeem yourself.

A few of my friends and I have a thing called "accountability." I have high standards for my closest friends and vice versa. We all have stress and pressure in life, but with that we have high ideals, and centered objectives to work toward. With "accountability" I am basically confessing to my friends if I fall short of something or if I do something I am not proud of. Accountability is an amazing thing, because it motivates us to be our better selves and to think through things before we act; it also puts a voice in your head of knowing you can't just be ashamed of yourself, you will have to also tell your friend and risk their disappointment.

On a spin-off note, I believe with friends and even members of the opposite sex that may pose an interest as more, the most important thing is to be a good judge of character. I'd call it intuition. if you have a really good feeling about someone and they make you happy by their personality and how they treat you, they are probably a genuine character. I feel lucky to have had such amazing friends and family--people who in general know what is important out of life and who care about the well-being and happiness of those around them. It is easy to meet someone and think they are the best thing in the world, but imagine if things went south. How would they handle a fight? I always tell my friends if they like someone, to not idealize them. There are plenty of great people out there that you will meet. Imagine a fight: could you see this person turning on you quickly? Do they have a mean streak in them? If so, don't stick with it. It's not worth dealing with someone who can't effectively conflict resolute without an exhausting dispute.

Notwithstanding, never put someone to the test. Putting someone on the spot usually puts unnecessary and awkward pressure on them. The beautiful thing is being with them when a situation asks something more of them and seeing how they react. It is friends who go above and beyond to make your day better or friends who remember that it was an important interview for you that day. These people, people who care for others in general, are the unsung, everyday heroes that are overlooked. My best advice is to be a grateful friend for your friendships, show your friends you appreciate what they give, and more importantly give more than you get always.

Dissonance

2011-06-27T01:37:00.001-07:00

Being honest with other people about what is going on in your life is unvarnished honesty with your self. Tuning in to various seasons of "Real" Housewives on Bravo, I have learned a lot about how to not live my life. Seeing examples of dramatic situations prompts the question, "how would I have handled that situation?" Mostly, I find that the housewives pull the blissful ignorance card by not acknowledging their wrong-doings and shortcomings, taking no cognitive responsibility for their actions.

It takes a strong person to admit when they are wrong. It is difficult to reveal personal parts of yourself to others, for example, admitting to a friend/family member that their marriage is suffering, that they have money trouble, that they are gay, have an eating disorder, or a drinking problem. It takes courage, but the honesty ante can only be upped by being honest about your personal situation with others. Putting a sugar coat over the negatives puts your problems out of personal perspective.

The kicker to all of this comes in defining and recognizing the role of psychological cognitive dissonance. Everyone does it: you are in a predicament and tell yourself to change your attitude: "it's not so bad anyway." Eventually, when someone asks you about something you hate but are forced to do (ie. work), you tell them something positive about a negative. You "look on the bright side." To an extent, it is beneficial to look on the bright side of a negative phenomenon in your life. But more importantly, make sure you aren't exercising dissonance in an area of your life where you are failing to acknowledge your unhappiness. I was at a job for a long time and I hated it, but made good money. When people would ask, I would say, "I like the people and I make good money," when in reality I made good money, but I hated it, got bad hours, and didn't like the management very much. Finally, upon consciously realizing I was lying to myself, I was so much happier--I wasn't exercising cognitive dissonance and pretending to myself or anyone else anymore and I moved on. This conscious recognition goes for so many minor, daily situations. Cognitive dissonance can be functional--it does help get through certain things where ignorance is practical for peace-of-mind. Otherwise, I believe it can be destructive to your psyche if introspection is not exercised. I think it is important to self-introspect and find where dissonance is present in your life and that, if you are exercising cognitive dissonance, ask yourself why you don't change the situation and consciously accept how you feel about something. Resonate that honest realization with yourself, others, and become a happier more positively functioning individual.

"Dissonance is as fatal in ailments of the mind as it is in those of the body."
— Georges Rodenbach (Bruges-La-Morte)

Superiority Complex

2010-12-21T02:37:00.000-08:00

Asserting superiority is something we all do whether we are conscious of it or not. In situations where people feel threatened or like they have to prove themselves to someone, they act in a certain manner that strives to show them in a positive light. Asserting power can become manipulative when we realize we purposely act a certain way to get a certain response. If you purposely do something to emit a specific reaction, you are 'seeking the power.'

"Wearing the pants," "whipped" etc. are great phrases and we can all think of people to fill in the blanks. Self-introspection is important, because in doing this, you can determine whether you are unconsciously treating people in a detrimental fashion. People who have the 'upper-hand' in a relationship often don't realize that they assert power over their significant other. The other person is submissive in the relationship and by being insecure and asserting power, it in turn makes them insecure, which leads to shaky ground..

Asserting superiority is in direct correlation to feeling insufficient to another. Everyone feels insecure at times and people handle it in different ways. Power contenders are always striving to gain bravado and outdo others around them.

I believe that asserting power is mostly done when one person wishes to obtain a certain response from the other, ex: guilt tripping, acting short or mad through text. When people care, they react to the manipulation put on them and as emotional beings, we know this.

From time to time, I have caught myself feeling insecure and attempting to gain superiority by asserting power in a situation. However, through trial, you find error, and you realize not only is it wrong to do, it doesn't work in the long run. Personally, I find people who hold this superiority over their heads are the people that get called stuck up or rude. Insecurity will not be minimized by feeling as though you are better than others or have power over an individual. I think by doing this, people are not only showing themselves in an undesirable light to others, but they are marginalizing themselves from people who you could have had more in common with. Being yourself and being completely okay with it is the most important, beautiful thing.

It is unnecessary to assert superiority over others. The power comes from not having to do so, or consciously realizing the insecurity and improving on it. Good things come from not manipulating others and from being yourself completely, whether people like you for it or not.

A simple rule in dealing with those who are hard to get along with is to remember that this person is striving to assert his superiority; and you must deal with him from that point of view.
Alfred Adler

Confidence and superiority: It's the usual fundamentalist stuff: I've got the truth, and you haven't.
Jeanette Winterson

Future Somethings

2010-10-25T01:14:00.000-07:00

If you chase rainbows you will always come home empty. Fact is, there will always be eye-catchers and times when you think you've found something real or worthy. Stick around and make sure it is not something temporary and beautiful for a brief time. Someone close to me gave me great advice: She said "Never Idealize." No one is ideal, because everyone has flaws. It should always be fairly effortless in the beginning. I like what a friend said about this regarding family. He gives his friends who chase this advice: "Imagine the girl as your mom, dad, sibling etc. and think of how easy those relationships come...that is how it should be." No games, no bad vibes.

Everyone loves the chase and the not-knowing. But let's look at this pragmatically, it is not realistic. Honesty is real. You will never go wrong with being honest with someone from the get-go. It is not necessary to know everything; mystery is exciting. Sometimes you don't even know how you feel yourself, but honesty is important-withholding information from the other person is potentially hurtful. Be yourself. I had a good conversation with a friend and he said: talk to everyone, it leaves no room for judging when someone knows you. Along with that, don't be caught up in whether everyone likes you. not everyone is going to like you. For whatever reason. Some people are shallow and will find vacuous reasons to dislike you, and that is their problem, not yours. The only time you have to worry about your reputation is when you have given someone a legitimate reason not to like you, or in some way wronged them. Simply be your best self, be happy, be kind, be friendly, and don't treat other people in a way that you would not like to be treated yourself.

"Future somethings"... it is hard to look toward the future and all that it has to offer. Think back to a few years ago and how much the people, situations, and even you have changed. It is crazy to think what a couple of years will bring. It is exciting, scary and unknown. The tough part is making good decisions in the moment. The reason the crime rate is so high is because criminals are not deterred --they simply view a jail cell as something foreign until they land in one and the regret sets in. In the moment it seems normal to keep up with certain people and things and ways of life, but the future will change these perspectives. When you turn around in your current life, will you be okay with your "past somethings"? What you do and say makes you. Are you proud to be that person?

I am slightly embarassed to admit, but sometimes I think of my future life and whatever lucky guy gets stuck with me. I do not want to be filled with regret over "current nothings" from my past. If I am going to experience life and its lessons, I will ensure to myself that it is a worthwhile experience with a worthy enough person...not perfect, because as I stressed before, no one is. You should look at yourself and your situation and make sure that you are stepping up the ladder [rather than going below your standards], learning along the way, and growing as a person all the time.

Imagine what people would say at your funeral. What defined you?? What were your best attributes that you offered your family, friends, and the world? Because, just as you should know your weaknesses, you should also be aware of your personal strengths. Be aware of what makes you-you. What makes you come alive and tick? What inspires you? Go and do that. Be more of that person that people would describe if you were being remembered for your entire life. One day we will all be remembered. Make it worthwhile in your present life. Forget about your "past nothings" and focus on your "present somethings," all the while looking forward to those ''future somethings." Most importantly, remember that life isn't a guarantee, so the time to start is now. Every second is a new moment.

"Don’t ask yourself what the world needs,

ask yourself what makes you come alive.

And then go and do that.

Because what the world needs is people who are alive."

"There's more to living than being alive" -Anberlin

"Everyday I fight for all my future somethings.

A thousand little wars, I have to choose between." -Natasha Bedingfield

When it all boils down, at the end of the day ... it's what you do and say that makes you who you are. Makes you think about it, doesn't it. Sometimes all it takes is one voice.

Fear

2010-09-14T22:25:00.000-07:00

How do you know whether someone you initially meet, is someone you can trust. Obviously, you get to know individuals better, and place different degrees of trust in them and judge whether they are worthy of your trust as relationship grows.

But say, perhaps, you've been through trust issues, and putting yourself out there to new people is difficult and cause for anxiety. It's a good question how to get past that hurdle and keep moving forward with each hurdle increasing the chance that you could fall and be out of the race.

I know the worst thing you can do going in to a race is harbor fear. Anytime I let fear get the best of me, it inhibits my performance. This is comparable to fear of trusting...If you do not let people in, you will eventually end up pushing them away. Fear of failure will ultimately lead straight to it.

There is no clarity in this; no real answer. I suppose that most people struggle with letting outsiders in to who they are; it takes a lot to trust someone to love who you are without judging your character.

Easily said, not so easily done: Overcome your fears. Sitting back and worrying and holding on to fear gets you nowhere. The only way to let go of it, is to overcome it.

How? Be self aware. Know yourself and where the fear comes from--how it is affecting your situation. Ask how easy it would be to continue hiding from this issue, and then ask yourself how much harder would it be to conquer the fear by taking a temporary hard route to eventually gain peace of mind & clarity.

Sometimes you need to take a fear or a hard situation and look at it in a new way. I had a friend once tell me, look at a situation until it becomes a positive--until it becomes what you want it to be. I loved that, and I'll never forget it for the truth that's in it.

Something to remember about fear and your own thoughts is that you control what you fear. The situation mixes together with your personality and genetics and decides what you stress over, and how you handle situations and people. I've always been a worrier. On a scale from 1-10 maybe a 9.5. Miniscule things can keep me awake at night, and no rationale seems to offer a kind enough conclusion to the stress, fear, and worry I feel over things. I attribute my late night blogs to this and in writing personally thought-provoking solutions to issues I see around me or experience myself.

Even as a kid, my mom would come in to my room when I was up late worrying over something and ask me if I had control over the situation. When I would answer no, she would say, "there's no use worrying about something that is beyond your control." If you are my friend, there is no doubt that you've heard those words come out of my mouth, but its so much easier to say than to heed. Sometimes we don't have control and it causes fear. We all want to be in control, some of us feel it more strongly than others. But fear is RELATIVE. Fear can be lessened; fear can be contained.

The end all is that fear will own you. It will get the best of you in situations. It will smother you if you allow it to. The way to end fear is through self-introspection. Facing your fears doesn't mean that the fear goes away, but I can promise you that facing it will put everything in to perspective. Clarity can only be reached through taking such risk.

I've found in my life, that fear is mainly a feeling prior to facing what you actually fear. I've been so fearful of racing in an important race, giving a speech in competition, going in to an important interview, that I've been physically ill over these things. But once the gun goes off, after you get through the introduction, start relating to your interviewers, you realize that the less you think about what you are doing, the better you perform. My high school track coach used to tell a girl I ran with to 'run dumb' during the race. She would think too much about the competition around her and her placement in the race that she would blow it. But if she shifted her focus, she was able to do well. re-focusing fear in to something more utilizable to the situation can help cure fear.

"Fear is only as deep as the mind allows." -Japanese Proverb

"All I want is the wind in my hair, to face the fear but not feel scared"

"Wild horses, I want to be like you, throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too."

-Natasha Beddingfield

Pride_Dignity

2010-05-26T20:42:00.000-07:00

Pride is a tricky player. When do you swallow your pride? When do you take your pride and run with it? In my mind, the most ethical code goes a little something like this: "As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all people." The gray areas are where it is difficult to distinguish how to deal in a situation. My supreme advice to anyone willing to listen will always prevail: Take your pride and run with it. This stands firm, unless of course you know you have wronged someone, then it is necessary to make amends and swallow your pride.

So many people feel the need to validate a situation through confrontation. Confrontation shows emotion; it shows that you are upset--that you care. Some may argue and say, "well I do care!" In order to keep your pride intact, the best thing to do when you have been wronged, is not to give that person any part of you. In other words, don't waste your time on them. The trick is to stay cordial. If you see them around a lot, mutual friends etc. be fine around them. Lose the contempt, and treat them like any other acquaintance in the room. The downgrading of their status with you will be enough for them to realize and feel the regret if it exists. And If not it is still easier for you.. you are in a positive mindset that says that you are above the situation. You are not messing with it, nor are you wasting any more time with someone who has once taken your pride.

It is important to realize that you cannot change people. If someone has treated you poorly, they made a conscious decision to do so. Leave them to figure out how to establish atonement. It is definitely not the 'easy way out,' but it is worth it. If that person never comes to you, you have learned a customized way of finding out whether this person is someone worth keeping around. Incontrovertibly this poses a risk factor and anxiety. But it is consequential to remember who you are, what you stand for, and what kinds of things you will and will not tolerate.

“Be yourself, don't take anyone's shit, and never let them take you alive.”

Random Thoughts

2010-05-10T00:57:00.000-07:00

I'm not really sure what I really want to write about right now, so I think I might just go on a little random tangent based on recent thoughts...bear with me.

-Being different is a good thing, never be afraid of that...even if it makes you stick out and even sometimes feel ashamed or embarassed. Embrace that part of you!!! It is uniqueness and nothing beats it.

-Sometimes you have to look at your actions and see if they match up with your personal ideals. If not, change something next time, but be happy, don't dwell on the past.

-Be grateful for your health, it is like a rare gem not always appreciated until it has gone missing, then you wish with all your heart you had it back.

-Look critically at the people you surround yourself with. Decide: do they lift you up, or bring you down.

-Respect is the greatest first impression you can show another person. Being too polite is better than being less than kind.

-Listen to other peoples' input. Thinking on these things can open you up if you are truly willing to ponder anothers' perspective.

-Do. not. use. people. Simply do not take advantage of another person. People are people just like you, and just like you have feelings, they do too. Karma has a way of making it's way around for those who treat others without courtesy or solely for their own benefit.

-There is nothing more refreshing than a humble person. It is not necessary to assert "power" over others. Power lies in humility.

-Follow your instincts. If you feel like it's a shady situation, it probably is.

-First things first, take your pride and run with it; don't look back...unless the situation deems it necessary to swallow your pride.

Personalized

2009-12-24T15:23:00.000-08:00

So many things have influence on our daily lives. We have decisions to make, and whether we like to believe it or not, the people around us have the greatest influence on those decisions. I suppose the basis of this blog is to inspire personalized decision-making. Something I strive to do is always make sure that when I look back, I don't have to persuade myself that 'everyone is doing it,' and ultimately rationalize my past actions to myself. Go ahead and drink if that's what you want to do...But make sure that it's not because you want to fit in or because everyone else is engaging. Go ahead and have sex, but make sure you are ready. Make sure the situation fits up to your standards. If you always knew you would only be comfortable if it was in a committed relationship, don't let some groomer talk you in to it. If you want to smoke, go ahead. But make sure your reasoning is backed up. Make sure you are okay with hurting those around you and giving up a part of your health and possible susceptibility to other bad decisions. It is a SLIPPERY Slope. Once you engage in certain behaviors, know that it is easier to fall into other things. By continually rationalizing your actions [that you don't approve of yourself doing in the first place] you are giving yourself an excuse to continue on a path you never thought you'd end up on. It is easy to trick yourself into believing that what you are doing is 'ok' even when you don't feel right about it. Always follow your heart & Intuition.

It's a proven fact that peers have the greatest influence on you. Choose who you hang with wisely. Friends have a way of becoming a lot alike. The way they dress, the way they look, the way they talk, the people they party with, the places they go, the way they treat people, the things that they do...I am not saying that friends have 100% influence and that you won't be able to help yourself in a situation. With age comes wisdom, and it becomes easier to do things your own way regardless of how your friends proceed. People always tell me that my roommates and I look alot alike. Although we have some major differences, I've noticed that we have a lot of likenesses. Without even realizing it, the girls I live with have influenced me: even by just observing how they go about their lives. Seeing what they think is okay, how they act, and how they perceive situations and people has impacted my thoughts.

There will always be decisions. There will always be peer pressure. There will always be people you trust. There will always be temptations. The hardest part is making sure that when you decide to do something, that you are doing it because you want to do it, because you are ready for it. If you are willing to accept consequences of your actions, if you can look at yourself and be happy with yourself, that's what's most important.

Don't be afraid to stand alone. I can promise you, you will feel liberated in doing what you believe in.

It is okay to defy the odds. There are plenty of people out there who do it all the time.

It is important to always stay Conscious of the decisions you make. It you are not constantly questioning, you should be.

We've all fallen from our standards for ourselves at times, but what truly matters is where you go when you pick yourself up.

Never Forget to Remember

2009-12-14T03:00:00.000-08:00

Life is confusing. It doesn't ever get easier, because once you figure out what you were unsure of, something else comes along that you don't quite have a grasp on. Sometimes I like to think I know everything there is to know, but the truth is that there is always more to know and be taught about life. One thing I love about life is that no matter what step of it I am in, I never cease to be surprised. I love surprises and something new and exciting always seems to present itself.

Maybe it's just me, but I believe that there is a lot of pattern in life. Few examples: It seems like deaths group together, good things run together/bad things as well, and when I used to cashier I would get certain types of people in a day, and other types in a different day. It was eerie how it worked, sometimes I would get 3 people in one day who would all have the same question, and I would never hear the question again for as long as I cashiered there. Everything groups together.

Tonight, my neighbor was reading to us some of his personal poems he had written, I was simultaneously talking to a friend who was telling me about the stories he writes as an english major, and I got in to a separate discussion about diaries which sparked a conversation about the past with an old friend. Like I said, patterns. And it made me wonder where my old poem book, quote book, journals, and the latest aphorism book went. I went searching and found my journal from when I spent time living in a campo in the Dominican Republic. Reading what I wrote then, I realized a few things.

-Documenting important pieces of your life is invaluable. Especially if it is something you can share with someone else by living it out. By having this written down you can take the most important thing the mind can formulate [memories] and remember where you were at then. Memories are all we have of our pasts and by reading all the wonderful things I had to write about, I realized how much I had forgotten since then. By rereading it, it brought it back and made me recall what I took from the experience. What made me want to learn spanish, what made me think hard about poverty and how God could allow people to be born into such hopeless situations. It made me differentiate between using the word Blessed ...Am I blessed for having more? Such statements need to be thought out, lest we make such statements and unbeknownst to ourselves, invest in ignorance.

It makes me believe that everyone has their story. If you sat down with someone and truly talked about what was on both your minds...there would be a hell of a lot to say. If you think about how you go about life and how you are able to react and function in certain areas, it is because you have already thought about it prior to experiencing it. Maybe this is 'shock therapy' for life, but seriously, think about it...we all have a good chunk of time every day where we are by ourselves, and what do you do? YOU THINK. Maybe it makes me a nerd, but it's fascinating to think about what infatuates peoples' minds. Do certain people worry about school and think about class throughout their day? Do they think about what they need to get done/haven't done? Do they turn recent-past experiences through their minds in order to evaluate them? Do they think about certain people? Maybe it is a little bit of all of these, but there is a lot going on with memories and thoughts and past-present-future. I still think about people from my early childhood who had an affect on me growing up. Sometimes, Something will happen throughout the day that will remind me of a different time I had already experienced. To this day I dream in my old house because that is where I grew up and had so many memories, and sometimes people I haven't seen in years make appearances in my dreams/memories. I don't know why we think about certain things, but maybe it takes a certain consciousness of looking at what you think about when you are alone and just daydreaming/pondering. I think this could tell us a lot about ourselves--by what constantly invades our thoughts.

This blog is a cluster of messy thoughts, but the synopsis is something like this:

Never forget to remember. Always remember what was important to you then, because chances are, it made you who you are now.

Kindness

2009-10-06T14:34:00.000-07:00

"Kindness is more important than wisdom, and the recognition of this is the beginning of wisdom." - Theodore Isaac Rubin

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around." - Leo Buscaglia

The three most important things to remember in any situation: to be kind, be kind, and always to be kind. "Treat others how you want to be treated." The simple kindergarten lesson of respect. I have found throughout the years that these simple grade school-level lessons are some of the most wise in following. What I've noticed in a wide variety of instances is that there are some people out there who 'get it.' They are always pleasant from the get-go, always ready to stop and talk--even if class starts in 5 minutes, they truly want to know about you and how you are doing, and ultimately, they always make you feel good after you run in to them. These are KIND people.

I have a mental list in my head of people in my life who 'lift me up' so to say...and whenever I am with them, I feel good. We mutually lift one-another up, and bring out the positive qualities in one another. There are always going to be people who bring you down in your life. Bad influences, negative, jealous, judgmental, vain, aggressive persons. Or, in other words, people that you can't connect with on what's really important out of life. But as my fav. quote goes: these people are "vexations to the spirit."

If you sat down and thought of all the people who are close to you in your life, and tried counting the people who make you feel like you are a good person. People who make you want to be a better person. People who lift you up. And separated them from the people who give you meaningless banter. People who are constantly bringing you down with negativity. People who have nothing better to talk to you about than other people. You might actually find something out about yourself.

Surround yourself with people who make you shine, people who talk to you about things that you find legitimately important, people who can connect with you on a mental level, and who give you positive reinforcement [and constructive criticism] about the person that you are. These are people who will lift you up, and in doing so, it will become mutual. And maybe, take a step back and look at yourself and ask how you treat the people you first meet, the people you know the names of--but not personally, the people who are closest to you and know you best. Be Kind.

Self-Betterment

2009-07-21T18:59:00.000-07:00

[Regarding my Domestic Violence Victim:]

You can't help everyone. At some point people have to help themselves. You can't expect to go in to someone's life and fix them. There has to be a want/an effort present. Sometimes, all you can do is enter a person's life or situation and do all you can, then leave them to figure it out. Obviously it is different for everyone, but it's always up to the person to take responsibility for themselves. To make effective decisions in pursuit of self-betterment is to build character. It is the only way to put closure to one area of your life and to move on from a situation to self-improvement. Only when you square up & take self-responsibility can you consider benefiting yourself.

NOTE: This also goes both ways. Always be open to constructive criticism. Of course, do not surrender yourself to the other person's criticisms, but listen. Especially if it is a friend, or someone you trust is truly vying in your best interest. I invest belief in the idea that others' perspectives are quite accurate. Others' opinions or views only mirror our own to a point. It is important to take advice and to be fearless of being proved wrong. After all, you cannot always be right on your own.

People Pleasers

2009-06-27T20:32:00.000-07:00

I've noticed that people can't seem to be outward with how they feel/what they want to do. Kind of a broad example, but sometimes at my job I have to call people and 96% of the time I ask them whether they either have/still need our unit's number, they reply yes--like they don't have the balls to say no and 'disappoint me.' and another 67% of the time I have to give it to them as they pretend to take it down so as not to have to face me with a negative. It's like when you are walking through the mall and the vendors in the middle walk up to you and get you to try their product and you get all awkward because you aren't going to buy anything, but you can't seem to tell them that, so eventually you are in too deep and it only gets worse as time goes on and is mutually wasted. It's the same way in relationships too...one person decides they need out, but they can't seem to disappoint, so their happiness is put on the back-burner, and as time elapses it makes for a worse situation. People-Pleasers,Why can't you just say no? There are nice ways to turn people down. In being nice in the moment you create more problems for yourself later. It says a lot about a person who can stick up to other people and be outright with how they feel. It takes a lot of courage in a lot of cases, especially when it's with someone you care about. But realize that honesty is always the best policy.

Relationship Status: ______

2009-06-15T20:27:00.000-07:00

It's something I haven't ever fully understood. And that is why most people feel the need to be in a relationship. It's like people live their life for that specific goal. That may seem like overkill, but think about it. It's constantly on-mind. Could it/Would it/Should it work out? Every single person you meet of your sexual orientation is automatically thrown in to a category: Friends Ladder/Possibly more than friends Ladder. Those that fall in the possibilities ladder are people you may simply be attracted to, date, or consider "Significant Other Material." And it's a constant weighing process -- The pros/cons of your wants in regards to the person's looks, personality, behavior etc. But what is it that makes you want that one person to stand out from all the rest that you can call "yours" and have them [presumably] stay true to only you? What is that inherent want, and where does it come from? Because in my mind, it consumes our culture & society.

It's fair to say that that is how we were brought up. Everyone around us makes the statement that it is only acceptable to be with one other person at a time. It's slowly becoming but still is not even fully accepted to be homosexual. It is accepted but does not have the stamp of approval from society to sleep around with multiple people without needing the label of 'relationship.' Yes, people do that, but the only thing that is accepted widely by society is [heterosexual] monogamy. I'm not saying society should change, in fact I like the way it is (minus intolerance for homosexuality).

On a happier note, I completely understand and share the want to be [happy]. To feel butterflies or physically nervous around someone, even to find yourself being uncharacteristically self-conscious about your appearance. But is happiness defined that way for the right reasons? Do you need this person to be happy? Are these feelings what make you happy? It's something I've always asked myself, and my conclusion has always been no. Why invest in an idea that is so uncertain? It has nothing to do with fear of commitment, just questioning what I am told by society. I think it's important to never accept something the way it is, but first examine it. There are plenty of rebuttals to how I look at this, I know that. But I guess I just don't buy the idea of relying on another person for what I can gain by being by myself.

It's important to love yourself. If you were disembodied from yourself and had the chance to be friends with yourself, would you be? I like to think I would be my great friend. I've spent years single and learning about myself; learning to love me. It's a relationship I feel is on-going and important to establish and self-examine.

There are so many pros and cons to both, being in a relationship V. being single.. and of course, the added gray areas. Whatever you think of these 'statuses,' know that there is life in each. I simply cannot understand someone being unhappy with their life because they do not have someone else to make them feel okay about it. It's important to be comfortable spending quality time by yourself and enjoying doing so.

I think I have caused a great deal of frustration and confusion to people in the past and present, but hopefully people can understand that I am not painfully or overly- independent, just happy to be where I am with me. I've even been told that by 'dodging' 'love' I am not going to 'find' happiness. Well, what the hell? That goes against everything I believe, actually. But to be honest, I see where people get that idea, because it is a fantastical feeling when you feel unknown things for another person. But even so, who says you should devote yourself to them? Well society has told you to. Your biological interests told you to. Your parents and other role models told you to. Your peers told you to. Other unknowns told you to. But there is nothing wrong with not labeling something. Maybe it's because I have seen so many flaws within the idea of 'relationships' or maybe because I see so many people change from the person that they truly are. It is so important to remember that first and foremost comes yourself; and to you, you must stay true. Now, that sounds selfish, but it's not. When it is time to break up (which unless you are on the verge of marriage, it'll happen) it is most important that you do what is right for you, and the other person is left to do what is right for them. What I am getting at is you can have another person and be happier than you've ever been, they lift you up, they make you want to be better, they make your day etc. but at the end of the day, you have to do it for you. You will always end up alone at times, and at those times you are stuck to rely on yourself. Are you reliable? Not on others, but on yourself? I've taken a long time to think about these things, and found out that I could rely on myself. This is the single-most reason why I am how I am. I believe that in order to be happy that it must come from within the self. If you can be truly happy by yourself, you can share that with others. And not just one other, but many others. That brings me to my next point. Friends.

Where in God's green earth would I even be without my friends? Probably in limbo, nothingness. I sure as hell wouldn't be happy. You hear it all the time, but you still see so many make the same mistake...and that is that they get involved with someone and forget about their friends. It's happened to me, it's happened to you, it's happened to almost everyone. There is always that friend who gets swept up in the present. Friendship is a powerful force. When you are alone it is there. When you meet someone special, they are there with the best input and most importantly a second-sight, that sees what you cannot. They are there throughout. And most importantly, after it is over with, and you need support, they are there. But where is the significant other? They are not there anymore. You must both move on and grow from the experience. Point to be made here: being in a relationship and maintaining the friendships you held before=of utmost importance. It is easy to turn a blind eye, especially when you are inside looking out as opposed to outside looking in. Being on the outside looking in for the past 3 1/2 years has taught me things that I would never take back. It has allowed my personality to be the way I want it to be, and I've had the opportunity of meeting so many new people and making many close friendships. My friends have always been my saving grace and brought out in me what I consider positive traits. I havent wanted a significant other, because I never felt like I needed one. My friends have always fulfilled the wants I have. I had too much fun going out and spending time with my friends and it almost seemed like I would be compromising something, weighing myself down if you will. Also weighing myself down in the pleasure I take in meeting new people and enjoying different company in social settings. When you see a couple out together, unless they both have the same exact friends, they must compromise by hanging out with both party's friends. In those situations, you may be the person they feel most comfortable with. Given, you may enjoy that and like that feeling or of just being with them all night. But, I don't enjoy that sort of thing in social settings. In fact, that would make me more unhappy than anything else. Everyone is different.

Writing this has confused me probably even more, because in my mind both sides to the argument are very clear-cut and well-put. But it has also put in writing how I feel, and for this cluster of thoughts I am glad. I hope for people who read this you can better understand where I am coming from. I want what every single person wants, to have fun and be happy. And I can say in all truthfulness that for now I am...just the way I am.

Listen Up

2009-06-02T21:30:00.000-07:00

I truly believe that one of the best qualities a person can possess is being a good listener. Everybody wants someone to listen to what they have to say, and everyone wants someone to affirm that what they are saying is of value and have people relate to it...lately this has hit home.

Everybody wants a little bit of what they don't have. Most introverts say they wish they were more outgoing or outward with their feelings & expressions. On the other hand, being an extrovert I see the value in being reserved. I am not reserved, I do not spend my time at a party in one spot talking to the same people, and in no way am I a wall flower. But people who possess this personality should see the positive in it, and why I envy them. Spending time with a choice amount of people builds relationships, being shy makes others wonder what you're all about, actions speak louder than words.

Listening and unbiased observation teaches you more about yourself than anything in the world. When you are within a situation it is hard to disembody yourself from that situation and see it effectively. Being an observer displaces you from the immediate situation and allows more direct insight. This explains why you are able to tell your friend point-blank what the problem within her relationship is when she asks what is going wrong. But, being directly involved in the relationship, she can't see it. Why is it so hard to just do what you know is right? Deep down in your conscious mind, you know what you need to do in a situation, but when you are directly involved, different factors play in to cloud the thinking process.

I suppose where I am going with this is that approaching situations unbiasedly, gathering information before making a judgment, and most of all observing & listening to the people around you are all positive attributes that I value and strive to be better in.

Blogging

2009-05-30T13:26:00.000-07:00

I've Always wanted to start a blog. I have so many daily rants that run through my head that are never able to get worked out. Mostly this blog will be dedicated to the random pondering that is my thoughts. If you take the time to read this, that's great, maybe you should create a blog too...or respond to my posts with your own input. I'm excited.

XOxo, Katie